In the pocket of corporate interest snacks.

Rep. Scott Perry, R-Pennsylvania has introduced a bill that would decriminalize certain strains of cannabis on the federal level for medicinal purposes.

When asked how they would determine which strains would be decriminalized, Rep Perry replied “I dunno…none of that dank shit.” while opening a bag of Cool Ranch Doritos, adding “…man.”

Plus, his eye-black had unsanctioned writing in it.

Ray Rice was suspended for only two games yesterday following an investigation into his dragging his unconscious fiancee from an elevator back in February causing public outcry.

According to NFL VP Adolpho Birch, the punishment was actually one game for the incident and one game for not having a visible logo on his sneakers at the time. A violation of the leagues proper attire dress code.

He could do it, too.

In recently de-classified documents it was revealed that NASA had plans the attempt to build a space station on the moon in the 1960 and test atomic weapons there as a show of how powerful the US was.

This, was scrapped when due to budget cuts the US just sent a picture of President Johnson carrying full milk-jugs with his testicles to Nikita Khruschchev.

Their commercials still haunt my dreams.

Texas Governor, Rick Perry, has sent 1,000 National Guardsmen to the state’s border with Mexico and requested funds for another 3,000 patrolmen from Congress to bolster their forces.

An alternative plan being floated in The House is to just make the entire border look like a giant Quiznos as it is assumed everyone will just turn around and leave of their own volition. 

So, wait…the “hero” in your folksy analogy ALSO speaks spanish?

Sarah Palin is calling for Barack Obama’s impeachment over a spike in illegal immigration saying "His unsecured border crisis is the last straw that makes the battered wife say, ‘no mas.’".

When reached for comment, Mrs. Palin said that this isn’t partisan politics, she just hates to see ANYONE finish out a full term.

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The Cleveland Cavaliers stated that they think that LeBron James is listening to their pitch for the free agent to come back to Cleveland.

In other great news for the organization: Lisa, the cute barista at the Starbucks across the street, accepted their friend request and clicked “maybe” on attending their pool party Saturday.